Door-to-Door Jesus Salesmen

Morning internets. How you doing?

I think I discovered who left that Jesus £20 around town. I’ve been waiting for a couple of parcels recently so when I heard the knock at my door at 10am I assume it was something to sign for. No such luck. Stood there was a woman and either two midgets or her children, I wasn’t paying attention. All three were taken aback when I opened the door in my robe, they should just be lucky that I took the time to tie it up! They were very polite and I assumed they were there to pick up an unread Avon catalogue or something like that. But no, they wanted to see if I was interested in their pamphlet. 

In their defence they only got so far as “We’re going around today handing out…” Before I gave a long “Noooooooooo” and closed the door so it could have been anything. But the big ‘BIBLE’ across the top of it really did everything for me. 

I get this isn’t particularly fantastic or strange, but my city doesn’t have door-to-door Jesus people. Apart from a few years abroad I have lived in this city for all my life and have NEVER had a Jesus person come to my door. I’ve been stopped by them in the street, I’ve walked past the crazy people handing out ‘The Watchtower’, and I’ve avoided eye contact with priests but I’ve never experienced Door-to-door Jesus selling before. 

My mum tells this story about how when she was younger and living in Wales and had a couple of Jehova’s Witnesses come to the door. She answered the door and being the person that she is, started asking them difficult questions. The Jesus salesmen, happy they had a young mind to influence, started telling her about their superstitions until my Nan, who was still pretty Catholic at the time, came downstairs took one look at them and said “We already have a God.” And closed the door in their faces. I’ve got a thousand stories about my Nan and they all crack me up. I might start a book, it would probably be labelled fiction because of how ridiculous some of them are!!

I was raised Catholic, I was even confirmed into the Catholic Church. So, by my understanding, *if* there’s a God and *if* he’s Catholic all I need to do is death bed confession, a few Hail Marys and no matter what I did I get into heaven. But that’s two ifs and they’re pretty big ifs. I’m also not sure if I’ve understood confession completely. 

I’m a weird person when it comes to belief systems. I don’t believe in God, or runes, or crystal healing or anything like that but I do have an idea of an afterlife. I like to think that when you die, you don’t know it and your afterlife picks up exactly where life left off, but gets better. It’s kind of hard to explain but if you were to die in your sleep you’d wake up in the afterlife not knowing that anything was different. Then, eventually, you’d get everything you ever desired. I say eventually because I think instant gratification would be a) boring and b) a sure sign you were dead. The idea of the afterlife is its better than normal life but indistinguishable from real life. I honestly don’t hold much faith in there being an afterlife, but if there is that’s what I’d want. 

That’s really as spiritual as I like to get, like I said I don’t think there is an afterlife, I don’t think there’s a God, and I don’t think the oujia board you bought is going to have any more affect than a paper voodoo doll but I have an idea of what I would like it to be like if it *was* true. I also have an idea about what I’d like the Loch Ness monster to be like, doesn’t make it any more real. 

How about you guys? Are you the spiritual kind of person? Do you have an unusual or unheard of belief system? Do you like my idea of the afterlife? Do you think I’m going to swim in a lake of Hell fire for eternity? As always, answers on a postcard or in the comment section!


Comfortably Numb – Scissor Sisters (Yes, I know it’s a Pink Floyd cover but give the Scissor Sistors version a try.)